SCIENCE SUCKS ANYWAY!





AUTHOR - DON CLARKE



I have been inspired to write this piece by the scintillating wisdom of the UCT student who said; and I quote: "science as a whole is a product of 'Western Modernity', and the whole thing should be scratched off!" Now this is a very brave statement, so I will address this to her, my latest, bestest hero, directly.





Sweetheart, I must tell you that you have changed my life forever. Literally. I'm writing this on the ceiling of my room because, since you abolished gravity, I cannot stay in my chair. There is also no longer electricity, but I got such a kick out of sharpening a piece of burnt firewood with a stone so that I could write this, that I have decided I no longer even miss my computer! And without power the world is so beautifully quiet! I can even hear my neighbour gasping for breath because his pacemaker is gone. Wonderful! Anyway, I just need to tell you that your genius idea will almost certainly liberate South Africa, and possibly Africa forever. And quite frankly, who needs science! I hated it at school. We were forced to learn seriously boring things like NaCl, Sodium Chloride, is the proper name for salt. Who gives a shit?! I only eat KFC anyway. But here's the kicker. In the new world that you have single-handedly inspired, nothing will ever be so miserable again. How dare pink men in wooden ships come into our world and tempt us with electricity, medicine, and tin boxes with engines and wheels which we can die in?! Out I say! Out!!! No, from now on this is how things will be for you and me. I can't wait! When you wake up tomorrow; and it could be a bit late because your alarm clock and cell phone have gone, you can stumble from your mud hut into the gloriously clear African air in your leopard skin pyjamas and gaze at the open fields and bush around you. You may feel the need to make some toothpaste from weeds and clean your teeth with a stick, and of course you'll want to relieve yourself in the pit you dug in the ground behind your hut. Just mind the flies! Now you will probably want your morning shower. Eish! Shower gone. No problem, just jump on a donkey and head down to the river. The water certainly won't be heated, but what the hell. A bracing dip in a brown river on a Winter's morning will bring out the Shaka in you! Just try to dodge the hippos, crocodiles and floating turds. Your neighbours upstream are so selfish to poop in the river! Having survived your morning bath, you may be feeling a little peckish. Try not to think about cereal, toast, sizzling bacon and fried eggs because these things are just a cunning trap set by the white man to make you nauseous. Why else would they call it a full English breakfast?! And since corn originated in another country and is the product of science through selective breeding, you won't have any phut either, but don't despair, you can always scratch a few potatoes out of the ground and cook them over a fire with a stick. Not quite KFC, but we all know that Colonel Saunders was a fat pink man with blue eyes who exploited science to get rich. Sies! And don't forget to feed your donkey! You may need it to get to work. Work? Aaah yes, you don't actually have a job anymore. Well not officially, but you can always keep yourself busy by ploughing the earth with a wooden plough and an ox. Don't forget to feed the ox! And, of course, you will need to fetch water from the river in a clay bucket. It's a long walk with that much weight on your head, so that will take up some of your day. And let's not forget that if you want to deliver an urgent message to someone in another village, you'll need to walk there. Could take you days. Because in your new world SMS means "shaya ma soil". In other words, hit the road. But there is nothing quite as exciting as a hike through bush full of lion, leopard, rhinos and elephants. Not to mention snakes! Hauw!!! Don't get